WILD WILD WEST : Wildest Page : WWWest Sound Pages : Season Two p.2

	[Jim] Artie, I hate to bring this up, but the telegraph key is missing.
	[Artie] Well, nobody’s perfect.
	[Jim] No one’s been here for a long long time.
	[Artie] Must have been the lady of the house. I wonder who she was.
	[Artie] Look at her eyes, Jim. Tears …
	[Jim] Artie? [Artie] Yeah, I’m awake.
	[Artie] What caused that? There’s no wind in here!
	[Jim] Every ounce of blood’s been drained out of him. [Artie] How’s that possible?
	[Jim] Did you get any on you?
	[Jim] Artie, if you’re telling me you believe in ghosts, I don’t!
	[Artie] Every time we hurt this house, she cries.
	[Artie] Jim, I know this sounds insane, but I don’t think that’s just a woman screaming.
	[Artie] In a way she is waiting, you know? She’s this house…
	[Artie] I’m not talking about ghosts, Jim. It’s this house itself. It seems to have a life of its own.
	[Artie] We’d better come up with a theory to cover that.
	[Artie] Alright, how does that fit into your theory?
	[Artie] James my boy, if it’s all the same to you, I’d just as soon stay at the Palace Hotel.
	Musical Interlude: A little haunted house music to explore by…
	[Artie] There may be a way out up there.
	[Artie] A fellow could starve to death down here.
	[Jim] We’re intruders here. Maybe the house is striking back the only way that it can.
	[Artie] Boy, I feel like I’m 90 going on 100. [Jim] I know. I feel exactly the same way.
	[Artie] I don’t believe it. Only the weapons are rusted.
	[Jim] That’s what I like about women; they always tidy up for the new day.
	[Artie] How do you go about handling a house that treats you as though you were an enemy? [Jim] I don’t know. Maybe the answer is to treat it like a friend, and not like an enemy.
	[Jim] I’m through apologizing for what it does to logic.
	[Artie] There are a lot of people in Texas, Day. From what I’ve seen they don’t die very easily.
	[Artie] How am I going to do that? [Jim] I don’t know. Sing, dance, recite Shakespeare … anything!
	[Artie] A few thousand rats?! A few thousand rats are going to kill millions of people?!!
	[Artie] I must say the lady’s spelling is atrocious.
	[Artie] You’ve wasted your love on a madman, Caroline.
	[Jim] He isn’t worth your loving. Be rid of him, and be happy with your memories.
	[Jim] Except you spent half the night calling for a girl named Caroline. Now whoever she is you didn’t seem to like her very much.
	[Artie] Dream … but it seemed so real.
	[Artie] Jim … do you believe in ghosts? [Jim] Of course not. You know there’s no such thing as ghosts. Why? [Artie] Nothing. No such thing! No such thing…

	[Judge] Of course! It’s Artemus Gordon. [Artie] You’re wrong. It’s his twin brother Adolphus. I’m here to avenge my brother’s foul murder by this killer.
	[Artie] You know this could make a pretty entertaining game? Of course you’d use a ball instead of a rock. Bucket-ball. [Jim] It will never catch on.
	[Artie] I believe you sank one. [Jim] You know, it might be a good game at that.
	[Lorelei] Artemus, you’re really very charming. [Artie] I know it. Would you like some more champagne?
	[Jim] A very impressive funeral … [Artie] Oh, thank you very much. [Jim] … considering you were burying the devil himself.
	[Jim] Artie, you couldn’t be quiet, not even at your own funeral, could you? [Artie] Well, somebody had to tell the truth.
	[Jim] Artie, if you keep stealing my girlfriends, you’re going to end up dead again. [Artie] Oh, come on … [Jim] Oh, no no no – not from me. I wouldn’t harm a hair on your head.
	[Artie] Where have you been and do you have to stay?
	[Artie] We shall not see his like among us soon again.
	[Jim] Honor? That’s a funny word for a man who has none.
	[Artie] Of course, no one could really do him justice.
	[Artie] Let me tell you, for I know him … knew … him well.
	[Artie] How do you like that? Six mourners. You didn’t even show up. I tell you you’ve gotta die before you find out who your friends really are.
	[Jim] This place is full of rats. I’m going to stay here and clear it out.
	[Artie] What kind of resort is this?
	[Artie] James my boy, there’s a rope that’s rotten to the core.
	[Artie] Shall we discuss my scruples later, in private?
	[Artie] Blast it, James, you’re always showboating! I had this thing all wrapped up.
	[Artie] You killed me once this week. Isn’t that enough?
	[Artie] When am I going to get to meet your friends, James? [Jim] Any time.
	[Artie] They whisked so good, there was nothing to watch.

	[Loveless] Pitiful. Absolutely pitiful!
	[Jim] I learned a long time ago to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
	[Loveless] You’re cluttering my floor. Get my chair.
	[Loveless] The Loveless Institute for Advanced Research may have lost a marvelous copy but, never fear, it shall soon have the original himself.
	[Loveless] I introduce one little element of surprise and what happens? Weeks of rehearsal go up in smoke.
	[Loveless] Rather impressive, isn’t he?
	[Loveless] Carelessness like that is not only dangerous, it’s downright irritating.
	[Jim] So you’re the sheriff. [Loveless] Of course. If I couldn’t be sheriff I wouldn’t play.
	[Loveless] Stage left, stage right, center – what difference does it make?
	[Artie] Well, boarding house or saloon? Take your pick.
	[Artie] Why thank you. Thank you very much.
	[Loveless] Too long have we tarried in this unquiet place where man imprisons man.
	[Jim] You’re not going to run out of reasons now, are you, Doctor?
	[Artie] What a terrible thing to have happen to a perfectly good sketch pad.
	[Artie] Why, there you are! You lovely lady.
	[Artie] Oh, I’m sorry … I was just thinking. Would you consider lending me your mustache?
	[Artie] As my old Aunt Maude always used to say to me, ‘Artemus, if you can’t win the game, the next best thing is to upset the chessboard…’
	[Loveless] Forever and forever, farewell Cassius. If we do meet again, why, we shall smile. If we do not…
	[Artie] Oh, excuse me, sir! Have you seen a small, freckle-faced boy around here answering to the name of Wes(t)ley? …

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Page design and sound/screen captures by Cal Lynn. No rights given or implied.

	[Artie] I must say, you’re a marvelous actress. [Lily] Who’s acting?
	[Jim] I must not be detained.
	[Jim] I’m working on that problem. [Artie] If you come up with an answer, let me know.
	[Artie] Thank you, fairy godmother!
	[Artie] What are you doing here? [Jim] Letting you out.
	[Artie] It’s nothing sensational, but I call it home.
	[Artie] You don’t look very dead. [Jim] I’m not even sick.
	[Jim] My name is James West. I’m a special agent.
	[Artie2] My name is Artemus Gordon.
	[Jim] I must follow your instructions exactly.
	[Artie] I’m a special agent for the United States Government.
	[Artie] Well, you have no idea what seeing your face does to me.
	[Artie] There is no "why," Mr. Peters! He didn’t do it! And I’ll prove he didn’t do it … even if it kills me.
	[Artie] What do you mean knew? He isn’t dead.
	[Artie] Completely logical.
	[Artie] Speaking of love, Lil … uh … [Jim] What Artemus wants to say, is will you marry him.
	[Lily] Oh Artie, you darling! I love you dearly … but no.
	[Lily] I’d never know if I was kissing you or some bomb.
	[Artie] Would you like to rehearse that love scene just once more?
	Musical Interlude: A little waltz music…
	[Artie] Like trying to find that needle in a haystack while it’s going through a threshing machine.
	[Dancer] You prefer to dance in private? [Jim2] Sometimes.
	[Artie] I once won a medal in a breath-holding contest.
	[Lily] Aren’t you going to see what it says? [Artie] What for? It’s probably just from the President.
	[Artie] Who’s it from. [Lily] The President!
	[Artie2] I must do exactly as you say.
	[Artie] What do you do … outside of driving men wild, I mean?
	[Artie] Why don’t you do a little scene with me right now? Say, something from Romeo & Juliet?
	[Artie] Why I think that’s wonderful! I used to showboat myself.
	[Artie] I suppose that talent will show eventually.
	[Mrs. Fortune] Which one are you? The one whose father was arrested for moonshining? [Artie] No, the thoughtful, considerate one.
	[Mrs. Fortune] Where did you learn to do that? [Lily] At that expensive girl’s college you sent me to.
	[Mrs. Fortune] You can’t chase after a man like this. It’s not decent.
	[Artie] It’s just Henrietta. [Lily] Who’s Henrietta?!
	[Mrs. Fortune] I told you waaayyy back in high school he was an undependable sort. [Lily] And you told me that Lincoln would never be president.
	[Artie] It doesn’t seem possible, but you’ve grown even more beautiful.
	[Artie] As a matter of fact I’m on vacation right now. My private train is standing in the railroad yards. I’d love to show it to you.
	[Artie] I appreciate the honor but why me? I’m on a well earned vacation.
	[Artie] Well, try me!

WILD WILD WEST: SEASON TWO/2

The Night of the Big Blast (10/7/66)

The Night of the Man-Eating House (12/12/66)

The Night of the Skulls (12/16/66)

The Night of the Bogus Bandits (4/7/67)