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[Artie]  Sir, I consider that a personal affront!


[Artie]  Prepare to defend yourself, sir!  May I have a little room, please...


[Jim] If we stick to the shadows we might be able to mix in.
[American Knife]  You should have no difficulty.  All you whites look alike.


[Jim] Thatís why Washington has sent us brave gents here. To find the killers, round them up, and get the railroad moving again.


[Artie] Are they softening us up to carve us up?
[Jim]  No, they're friendly Indians.


[American Knife] Who knows, some day you may say some of my best friends are Cheyenne.


[Jim] You lost your disguise.
[Artie]  Well, wouldn't you ... James!


Musical Interlude:  Some Escape Music 


[Artie] You get to be an old codger like me, you learn to admire and revere the fair sex, as I do.


[Jim] I hate to clip your feathers, Artemus, but please Ė just look the part. Restrain yourself. 


[Jim] No whiskey, no women.
[Artie] Alright, if that's how ... How! 


[American Knife] A pleasure, Mr. Gordon.
[Artie]  Call me Artemus.


[Jim] Sheís the tribal torturer.
[Artie]  Masochist. 


[Artie] Youíre nothing but a bunch of murderers. 


[Artie] Oh, my pleasure! 


[American Knife] You see, Mr. Gordonó
[Artie]  -- Artemus.
[American Knife] Why you whites have these incomprehensible names I will never understand.


[Artie] Youíll never get away with this!


[Artie] James, my boy, that is a nice, useful sort of gorgeous girl.
[Jim] The only kind to have for a tight situation. 


[Artie] Sir, I donít want to fight. I have no desire to do itÖ


[American Knife] Care for a cheap scalp? 


[Artie] Thank you, but I really have to be going.
[Gal] Why youíre down right shy! 


[Artie] Hereís to sin.
[Jim] And salvation. 


[Artie] Nobody know nothing. Tongue still like deep water.


[Jim] I wouldnít trust you either.
[Artie] Now you look here, you young whipper snapper. I may be an old man down on his luck, but I am still a man of honor!
[Jim] Well, maybe a little on a cloudy day.


[Artie] Well, letís get this train on the road. Civilization, here we come!
[Jim] Thatís for me. Some wine, women, and some off-key harmonizing. 


[Jim] What were you trying to do?


[Jim] The ignoble Red man.
[Artie] I have to look the part, donít I? The once proud Indian brought low by the white manís vices? 


[Tennyson] Well done, sir!

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[Artie]  Jim!  Come on! 


[Jim]  Do something to get their attention.
[Artie]  I could recite.
[Jim]  If it will work, do it.


[Jim]  I must say, Artemus, you did a beautiful job of disguise.
[Artie]  Oh thank you very much, James.  Just don't go lighting any matches around that unless you want the Secret Service to lose two of its best men. 


[Artie] Oh, of course!  Don't I make the sunrise in the west every morning? 

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[Artie] Come on, lady, I havenít got all day.


[Artie] Expressman, lady.
[Cluny] Go away.
[Artie] Oh, Iím sorry, lady, canít do that. Youíve got to sign first.


[Artie] My great-aunt Maude always used to say every man should have a hobby.


[Jim] You have been the busy secret service man, havenít you?


[Artie] What are you trying to do? 


[Artie] And itís brilliant if I do say so myself, Jim.


[Artie] Five minutes under water Ė submerged! And youíd still survive! That is, if somebody was trying to drown ya.
[Jim] What if it doesnít work?
[Artie] Bring it back, Iíll make you a new one.


[Artie] I think weíd better call the housekeeper. This place is a mess!


[Artie] Alright, the libration of the moon. 


[Artie] As a matter of fact, Iíve always been interested in nature since I was a little boy. 


[Artie] It works!
[Jim] One day, one of your ideas isnít going to work and youíre going to find yourself stretched out for good.


[Guest] I never make a mistake.
[Artie] Of course. The Greenwich seminar. How are you?


[Artie] Tell me something. You ever wonder what might have happened if Amalie had pointed that gun a little higher when she shot at you?
[Jim] I think the box office would have refunded the money.


[Jim] I like surprises.


[Artie] Want to know what it is?
[Jim] If I donít ask youíre going to tell me anyway.


[Artie] You seem worried.
[Jim] I am.

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[Jim] What do you want to be, a hero?


[Loveless] Things are going on schedule, youíll see, Mr. Doubting Thomas.


[Loveless] I wanted a candy, Kitten, and youíve eaten all of them.


[Loveless] Now I had my heart set on that Ö FUDGE! 


[Loveless] Now, to make a man kill the thing he loves, that requires genius. 


[Artie] You wouldnít have any giblet gravy in your pocket, would you?
[Jim] Ever kill a man with giblet gravy?


[Jim] For a moment, Artie, it was almost like I hated you.


[Artie] Would you mind telling me what youíve got in mind?
[Jim] Just an idea. I need a little time to work it out.


[Artie] You know, he has really gone insane.


[Jim] Hey, Arte Ö is that really you?
[Artie] In the badly bruised flesh. Who were you expecting --President Grant?


[Loveless] But with one move of my hand on this lever, I send you forth to rid the world of evil.


Musical Interlude: Loveless & Antoinette/Lullaby (w/mayhem)


[Loveless] Those whom the gods will destroy they first make mad.


[Artie] Hey, whatís the matter? 


[Jim] Iíll miss him. That little man with the giant rage against the whole universe. 


Musical Interlude 2: Miguelitoís Theme 


[Loveless] Really, you can be quite exasperating. What kind of remark is that, "mmmhmm?"


[Artie] Hey, itís me, remember? Artemus Gordon, Mrs. Gordonís son.


[Artie] I am not letting you out of here in this state!


[Jim] Artie, you look a little pecked. How about a snack?
[Artie] I appreciate your concern. Right now Iíd rather worry about Dr. Loveless.
[Jim] Worry, and eat. 


[Loveless] I imagine youíre bursting with questions. 


[Jim] I thought I shot you.
[Artie] Youíve done a lot of things to me in your time but you never got around to that!


[Artie] Oh no, youíre not going to tell us about another one of those silly inventions of yours.
[Loveless] Silly?
[Artie] Yes! 


[Loveless] You accuse me of bragging. You may as well accuse the sun of being egocentric because it shines.


[Artie] Easy on the suspenders, friend. Itís the only pair Iíve got.


[Loveless] And good-bye, adieu, ta-ta to all that veneer of civilization they prize so highly.  


[Loveless] Our visiting hours are over, Mr. Gordon. But I think for you we can make an exception.


[Jim] We need a weapon, donít we?
[Artie] What are you going to do, chuck him to death on a bone?
[Jim] Something like that.


[Artie] Alright, something is wrong. What is it?

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Wild Wild West Sound Page | Season TwoSeason Three | Season Four |
Ross Martin/Other | Robert Conrad/Other | Michael Dunn/Other

Dedicated with heartfelt appreciation to the memory of ROSS MARTIN.

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Page last modified August 29, 1999.
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