[Loveless]  Well, cheery-bye all, for now. 

[Artie]  Next time, knock.

 Musical Interlude: Loveless & Antoinette/Sloop John B

[Artie] The damsel in distress is no damsel.

[Artie] In that case let’s change our quarters. This room is beginning to depress me.

[Artie] We won’t try to escape? Where did he get that ridiculous notion?

[Artie] You keep that up you’re never going to make president of our fan club

[Jim] Are you alright?
[Artie] Well I have felt better.

[Loveless] Come back … you … you Fraidy Cat!

[Loveless] Don’t be absurd. I am a genius.
[Jim]  You’ll never pull it off.
[Loveless] I will so!

[Jim] Well, here goes nothing.
[Artie] You mean everything…

[Jim] History is against you. Your history.

[Artie] Just like home.

[Artie] Just like a jack-in-the-box!

[Loveless] Isn’t she the cutest thing? I could just cuddle her to pieces. Sic him, pussycat! Sic him!

[Artie] You would if you knew Loveless as well as we do. 

[Loveless] Soon the whole world will be forced to look up to Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

[Artie] Nobody said we were neat… 

[Loveless] There’s only room for one in my new world. My glorious new world. 

[Artie] It’s not your fault. You’re just unlucky. 

[Artie] You’ve said that before, many times.
[Loveless] And I say it again – now, Mr. Gordon … on the floor!

[Loveless] Ah, there you are.
[Artie]  No, you have us confused with somebody else. We’re over there.
[Loveless] Mr. Gordon, you’re such a wit!

[Loveless] Get to the point, Mr. West.

[Jim] So it’s a trap. Do you have any other suggestions?
[Artie]  You might ring the front bell. 

[Artie] You’re not serious, are you?

[Loveless] He will have found his Garden of Eden.
[Artie] If I remember correctly, there was a snake in that garden.
[Loveless] Very clever, Mr. Gordon.
[Artie] I knew you’d appreciate it.

[Loveless] You, Mr. Gordon. You didn’t play fair! You cheated.
[Artie] A weakness. So sue me! 

[Jim] I was wrong. He still surprises me. 

[Artie] It’s bad enough being Loveless’ prisoner, but this hanging around waiting for something to happen is killing me! 

[Artie] Dr. Loveless wouldn’t like… 

[Artie] Many are called but only few are chosen.

[Artie] Last one out is a rotten egg.

[Artie/Jack] That’s right. They have 2 pistols, haven’t they? 

[Jim] We were speaking about Mr. Gordon.
[NBV] No, Mr. West. You were. My topic was dinner.

[Jim] You present a problem, Colonel. I don’t know whether to applaud, or sink to my knees.

[NBV] No question of divinity, Mr. West. They are just magician’s illusions. The art of legerdemain.

[Jim] And since you brought it up, where is Mr. Gordon? 

[NBV] Abu the Magnificent, sees all, knows all, tells all!

[NBV] So! The weary way-worn wanderer is returned. Pleasant trip? 

[Artie] You’re Abu the Magnificent, aren’t you? You’re the one who sent me off on King Solomon’s throne.

[Jim] The Colonel is a rather unique travel agent.
[Artie] And a most unusual magician, too.

[Artie] That’s funny, I could have sworn I was wounded. No. No, I was dead. Oh, what an awful dream!
[NBV] Was it, Mr. Gordon?

[Artie/Jack] Sorry if I’m late, gentlemen, but I stopped for a small libation.

[Artie/Jack] You insulted me last night, you should have apologized last night. 

[Artie/Jack] Perhaps you never learned to read, sir.

[Artie/Jack] That thing behind you is an epee. Pick it up.

[Artie/Jack] I said … Pick. It. Up.

[Artie/Jack] By the way, what is your name?

[Artie/Jack] How do you do, James?

[Artie/Jack] It’s an odd thing, but I have this ridiculous feeling that you and I have done all this before. Isn’t that ridiculous? 

[Artie/Jack] Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it, James?
[Jim] It’s not over yet. I’ve gone to too much trouble to find you. 

[Jim] I just remembered an important appointment elsewhere.

[Artie] I hate to bow out of anything still puzzled, so …

[Artie] Ah! Now we know, Colonel Vautrain. Your side is going to win!

Musical Interlude: Live Oak Manor

[Jim] Artie! You’re beautiful! 

[Jim] Good luck, Artie.
[Artie] Listen, I’d better go with you.
[Jim]  I thought of it first.

[Artie] That’s very good, but it’s me!
[Jim] Artie! 

[Pringle] To you two gentlemen. Inventive, brilliant, courageous.
[Artie] We’ll drink to that, because it’s true.

[Artie] You knew that all along, didn’t you?

[Artie] Thank you, friend! Or is this a private club? 

[Artie] I hope there’s another way out of here. 

Musical Interlude: Artemus Gordon Theme (Gordon’s Shtick) 

[Artie] Oh, that’s brilliant! 

[Artie] If it’s cotton wool you want, gov, have some of that!

[Artie] Great jumping balls of Saint Elmo’s fire! You didn’t tell me this was going to be a costume ball.

[Artie] Now I know why you refused an armed escort from Eagle Heights. Why kill off a whole unit when just the two of us will do?

[Artie] That’s like looking for a needle in a hundred-mile haystack! 

[Artie] No … no please! 

[Jim] Where are we roughly?
[Artie] I’d say about 20 miles into the middle of nowhere. And just about five minutes away from dying of thirst or alkali poisoning.

[Artie] I pass on that one.

[Jim] If that little surprise of yours doesn’t work…
[Artie] If for any reason you are not absolutely delighted with this revolutionary new process for removing spots permanently, you may return the container to the maker for a full refund.

[Artie] Who’s this ‘them’ you keep talking about?

[Artie] The very top of the mornin’ to you, Mr. West.