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[Artie] The fella that was on the other end of that arrow is just the kind that would naturally not hang around.


[Artie] Fine! Just inquire for me right here at the bar.


Musical Interlude: [Artie] The Sweetest Gal…


[Artie] They think we’re evil gods. They think we’ve come to kill them.
[Jim] We’ve got to convince them that we’re friendly gods.


[Artie] Confidentially, I feel exactly the same way you do.


[Artie] So this one flea says to the other flea …


[Jim] The source of the footprints on the trail.
[Artie] I liked the footprints better.


[Artie] Yes, sir! Can I help you?


[Artie] The jokes are free. The drinks are 2 bits each.


[Jim] I’d like to see a menu please.
[Artie] A menu! Oh boy, we got nothing but troublemakers coming in all day today.


[Artie] What do you want to see a menu for, sport?
[Jim] I’d like to order some food.
[Artie] I take it back. You not just a sport; you a hero!


[Artie] Mount up, boys! Mount up and move out!


[Jim] That’s an interesting notion.


[Jim] Anything?
[Artie] Uh, no, Jim … it will never work … 


[Artie] Oh, ‘SCUSE me!


[Jim] And if you should have the urge to spill your drink …
[Artie] Don’t do it on that plush sofa. It stains very easily.


[Artie] Well, I just happened to be in the neighborhood, that’s all.


[Artie] What beats me is why they had to truss us up like this.
[Jim] I don’t know where they think we’re going anyway.


[Jim] Every once in a while I feel like I’m being watched.


[Artie] Alright, young feller, what do we do now?

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[Jim] My name is James West and this is my partner, Artemus Gordon.


[Artie] I’m innocent. I’m innocent! 


[Artie] Oh boy … Feels as if someone stuffed the old noggin with tapioca. 


[Artie] Hey, that did it! … That knocked the tapioca out of the old noggin. I feel great! 


[Jim] We don’t have time for the effects to wear off.
[Artie] I’ll give it the old college try.


[Artie] Say, would you mind looking down and see whether I’m moving my feet? I can’t feel anything.
[Jim] You’re doing fine.


[Artie] You know something? The man is right.
[Jim] You are right … Let’s go, Vernon.


[Artie] If you have lost a body, my good man, you are unfit to hold public office. Isn’t that right, Sidney? 


[Jim] Just a moment, Vernon.


[Artie] We’re special agents sent here by President Grant.


[Artie] Another civil war has to be avoided at all costs. 


[Jim] Artie, you will help, won’t you?
[Artie] Oh, sure. There’ll be two of us. 


[Jim] Artie, you know, that isn’t a bad idea!
[Artie] You would have the element of surprise going for you…


[Artie] Whoop! Hold it, Jim. 


[Artie] There’s an inconspicuous kind of wire.


[Artie] That’s brilliant! How’d you find that?


[Artie] When you cannot confound the enemy, then you have lost to him.


[Jim] Artie, how did you get on the gallows anyway? That’s playing it a little close, isn’t it? 


[Jim] Who’s that girl?
[Artie] Where?


[Artie] Hey, I’ve got a little bone I want to pick with you.
[Jim] Me?


[Artie] The next time – if there is a next time – would you mind not hanging around till the last minute before letting me know that you’re there?
[Jim] Hey, Artie! I showed up as soon as I could!
[Artie] It’s not that I don’t have every confidence in you, you know.
[Jim] Thank you.
[Artie] It’s just that I didn’t know if my message got through, that’s all.
[Jim] Artie…
[Artie] …It’s not that I was worried, you understand…
[Jim] Artie…
[Artie] …I mean, not really…
[Jim] Artie!
[Artie] What? 
[Artie] I suppose this accommodating constituent was female?
[Jim] And of voting age.
[Artie] My, my, I’ve never seen a court empty in such record time.
[Jim] It’s almost like people thought it was unhealthy being around us.
[Artie] I have a sneaking suspicion they might have been right.
[Artie] I say we can also assume we’ve walked right into a trap.
[Artie] Oh, I hope you don’t mind using the back door. What with one explosion or another it worked out that way.

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[Artie] This would never happen if General Lee was still in command!


[Artie] I’ll write my congressman about this! 


[Artie] There’s nothing to cool off from!


[Artie] I’m a dangerous criminal! Really! You gotta keeps me in a cage cuz I kills people! 


[Jim] Artie, how do you plan to escape?
[Artie] Oh, in the usual way. Guile. Cunning. Trickery.


[Artie] If you want to be president, what better way than kissing babies and killing Indians?


[Artie] That man was neither a officer nor a gentleman!


[Artie] How about some grub?
[Guard] What are you doing in here?
[Artie] I’m starvin’, is what I’m doin’.


[Artie] I was brought in here all right and legal and I ain’t gonna leave until I get my victuals. So there.


[Artie] Jim?
[Jim] Yeah?
[Artie] Listen … whatever you do, I don’t want you to think about those three other men that General Grant sent to contact Strong Bear.
[Jim]  No, I won’t.


[Artie] Just put those poor devils right out of your mind…

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[Jim] Artie, I had a hunch there was an ape around here somewhere.
[Artie] Good logic.


[Naomi] What does Artemus mean?
[Jim] It means "He who wastes little time."


[Artie] If you’re in some kind of difficulty we’d be glad to help.


[Jim] Uh, Artie, I think that’s enough to think on. Now where did he go?


[Artie] What’s that, another gadget? What happens when you twist that? <sound of chain being ripped from mortar> I see … it comes out of the wall …


[Artie] She must have meant that he doesn’t allow anyone else’s guns in the house.


[Jim] Artie, I don’t know… 


[Artie] Don’t I know that name?


[Jim] Looks like they’re getting ready to make a last stand.


[Artie] Come one step closer and I’ll misspell your name!


[Artie] Naomi. "My sweetness." That’s what Naomi means in Hebrew, did you know that?


[Jim] Whatever it was, it wasn’t a man. It wasn’t human.


[Artie] Oh no …


[Artie] More than a possibility…


[Artie] I thought it was most kind of him to have given me the run of the place … Well … I’ve had my run, so … why don’t I just run along?


[Artie] See, I walk in my sleep. He knows that very well. I wouldn’t want to get into the wrong room.


[Artie] I don’t think I should. Every time I eat late I walk in my sleep.


[Artie] … You can get a stiff neck standing around like that.


[Jim] You didn’t get that walking in your sleep.


[Artie] Where’s that lead?


[Jim] YOU tell the president… 

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Wild Wild West Sound Page | Season One | Season TwoSeason Four |
Ross Martin/Other | Robert Conrad/Other | Michael Dunn/Other

Dedicated with heartfelt appreciation to the memory of ROSS MARTIN.

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Page design and sound/screen captures by Cal Lynn.  No rights given or implied.

Page last modified September 7, 1999.
Page design ©1999 C.G.Lynn, ThirdSide.com/WildWildWest.org