[Artie] The fella that was on the other end of that arrow is just the kind that would naturally not hang around.

[Artie] Fine! Just inquire for me right here at the bar.

Musical Interlude: [Artie] The Sweetest Gal…

[Artie] They think we’re evil gods. They think we’ve come to kill them.
[Jim] We’ve got to convince them that we’re friendly gods.

[Artie] Confidentially, I feel exactly the same way you do.

[Artie] So this one flea says to the other flea …

[Jim] The source of the footprints on the trail.
[Artie] I liked the footprints better.

[Artie] Yes, sir! Can I help you?

[Artie] The jokes are free. The drinks are 2 bits each.

[Jim] I’d like to see a menu please.
[Artie] A menu! Oh boy, we got nothing but troublemakers coming in all day today.

[Artie] What do you want to see a menu for, sport?
[Jim] I’d like to order some food.
[Artie] I take it back. You not just a sport; you a hero!

[Artie] Mount up, boys! Mount up and move out!

[Jim] That’s an interesting notion.

[Jim] Anything?
[Artie] Uh, no, Jim … it will never work … 

[Artie] Oh, ‘SCUSE me!

[Jim] And if you should have the urge to spill your drink …
[Artie] Don’t do it on that plush sofa. It stains very easily.

[Artie] Well, I just happened to be in the neighborhood, that’s all.

[Artie] What beats me is why they had to truss us up like this.
[Jim] I don’t know where they think we’re going anyway.

[Jim] Every once in a while I feel like I’m being watched.

[Artie] Alright, young feller, what do we do now?

[Artie] This would never happen if General Lee was still in command!

[Artie] I’ll write my congressman about this! 

[Artie] There’s nothing to cool off from!

[Artie] I’m a dangerous criminal! Really! You gotta keeps me in a cage cuz I kills people! 

[Jim] Artie, how do you plan to escape?
[Artie] Oh, in the usual way. Guile. Cunning. Trickery.

[Artie] If you want to be president, what better way than kissing babies and killing Indians?

[Artie] That man was neither a officer nor a gentleman!

[Artie] How about some grub?
[Guard] What are you doing in here?
[Artie] I’m starvin’, is what I’m doin’.

[Artie] I was brought in here all right and legal and I ain’t gonna leave until I get my victuals. So there.

[Artie] Jim?
[Jim] Yeah?
[Artie] Listen … whatever you do, I don’t want you to think about those three other men that General Grant sent to contact Strong Bear.
[Jim]  No, I won’t.

[Artie] Just put those poor devils right out of your mind…
[Jim]  ARTIE, ALL RIGHT!

[Jim] Artie, I had a hunch there was an ape around here somewhere.
[Artie] Good logic.

[Naomi] What does Artemus mean?
[Jim] It means "He who wastes little time."

[Artie] If you’re in some kind of difficulty we’d be glad to help.

[Jim] Uh, Artie, I think that’s enough to think on. Now where did he go?

[Artie] What’s that, another gadget? What happens when you twist that? <sound of chain being ripped from mortar> I see … it comes out of the wall …

[Artie] She must have meant that he doesn’t allow anyone else’s guns in the house.

[Jim] Artie, I don’t know… 

[Artie] Don’t I know that name?

[Jim] Looks like they’re getting ready to make a last stand.

[Artie] Come one step closer and I’ll misspell your name!

[Artie] Naomi. "My sweetness." That’s what Naomi means in Hebrew, did you know that?

[Jim] Whatever it was, it wasn’t a man. It wasn’t human.

[Artie] Oh no …

[Artie] More than a possibility…

[Artie] I thought it was most kind of him to have given me the run of the place … Well … I’ve had my run, so … why don’t I just run along?

[Artie] See, I walk in my sleep. He knows that very well. I wouldn’t want to get into the wrong room.

[Artie] I don’t think I should. Every time I eat late I walk in my sleep.

[Artie] … You can get a stiff neck standing around like that.

[Jim] You didn’t get that walking in your sleep.

[Artie] Where’s that lead?

[Jim] YOU tell the president…