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SS novice field agent

561 Posts

Posted - 01/19/2021 :  07:15:45  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I had never seen Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte before, and came across it on tv the other day. Pretty suspenseful, with a very intimidating Victor Buono playing the father. I guess I did not realize how intimidating he could be.
I looked him up (knowing he had died a long time ago) and was stunned to see how young he was when he died (43).
It stated that he typically played individuals who were older than he was, as his presence (size, voice, thinning hair) made him appear much older.
If you get the chance to see the movie, it makes an enjoyable two plus hours of your afternoon or evening.

SS Quizmaster Emeritus

3915 Posts

Posted - 07/29/2021 :  10:44:18  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I know I've written this before, but, if you can, I encourage you to buy either Mr. Buono's comic recording Heavy! or his complementary collection of poems, It Could Be Verse. The latter has the advantage of "permanence" on print. The former gives you his impeccable comic delivery before a live, appreciative audience.

"A Fat Man's Prayer," by Victor Buono

I think that I shall never see... my feet.

I think it only proper to end this portion of our discussion with a prayer.

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot,
Incited by my wicked diet.
We are what we eat, said a wise old man,
And Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain,
But at my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot curls be sated
That my soul may be polyunsaturated.
And show me the light that I may bear witness
To the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

At oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
For the road to hell is spread with butter.
And cake is cursed, and cream is awful,
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone,
The devil is in each slice of bologna,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice—
But cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from Jujubees.
And my when days of trial are done
And my war with malted milks is won,
Let me stand with the saints in heaven
In a shining robe: Size 37.

I can do it, Lord, if you'll show to me
The virtues of lettuce and celery.
If you'll teach me the evils of mayonnaise,
The sinfulness of hollandaise
And pasta a la milanese
And potatoes a la lyonnaise
And crisp fried chicken from the south.
Lord, if you love me,
Shut my mouth!
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SS novice field agent

1522 Posts

Posted - 07/29/2021 :  12:32:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Another of Buono's poems. I vividly remember watching him recite this.

A Theater Seat

By Victor Buono
(as recited on The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson around 1977)

I think I shall never see
A theater seat that’s made for me.

A theater seat that’s wide enough
So I don’t have to squeeze and stuff

And cram and crease and wad myself in
A seat designed for a seat more elfin.

A seat that isn’t a cross between
A monkey wrench and a guillotine.

A seat that never clutches or pinches
Or bites or gouges in the clinches.

A seat that doesn’t crimp the croup.
A seat that stays seated when I stand up.

Whenever I have a mind to go
To see a movie or a show,

I ask myself is it worth the risk
Of losing a knee cap or slipping a disc?

And how many innocent ankles and feet
Will I grind into dust on the way to my seat?

Are the magic, the music, the storybook stars?
Worth the fist fights, the lawsuits, the permanent scars?

Do I really dig sitting there squeezing my buff 
Like a pound of cream in a half ounce puff?

Like Bigfoot on a Yamaha?
Or Beethoven’s symphony played on a saw?

Like King Kong’s head in Fay Ray’s hat?
Or the Spruce Goose in a Fotomat?

You wouldn’t put a peacock in a teacup.
You wouldn’t put a football in your nose.
You CAN’T put Dolly Parton in a B cup.
And you're not puttin’ me in one of those!


* * *

Ever since I was a little girl
I have always wished
that Artemus Gordon was
my very own Uncle Artie...
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